Godzilla Vs. Megalon

By the time the Godzilla movies had limped to 1973, quality wasn’t really that much of a requirement. TV had stolen the spotlight from big screen monster-based adventures and shows like Ultraman was achieving what the movies were at a fraction of the price and not even the King Of The Monsters could hope to compete. Never is this more evident than in Godzilla Vs. Megalon, the nadir of The Big G’s budget trimming days.
The plot is utter rat shit, even by 1970’s kaiju standards. The toga wearing subterranean race, the Seatopians, are pissed at us because of reasons, so they launch a campaign to break into the apartment if a local inventor to steal his greatest creation, Jet Jaguar, a day glow robot that programmes itself to grow in times of trouble (?) and that has a regrettable case of resting rape face. Despite being incredibly shit, the two agents of Seatopia actually succeed and Jet Jaguar is enlisted to lead Megalon, a giant bug with all the excitable issues of a sugared up toddler, to the surface (I guess “up” is too complicated a direction for Megalon to follow). Once there Megalon unleashes his greatest weapon, stock footage of exploding buildings, and trains it on Japan. It’s down to the inventor, an excruciatingly irritating child and a roll necked up Interpol agent to reverse Jet Jaguar’s reprogramming so he can aid Godzilla in his battle against the marauding cockroach and his partner in destruction, the fowl-shaped cyborg Gigan (apparently all these invading races have time shares on attacking space monsters).

This really is bottom of the barrel stuff, a film so devoid of creativity that I’d advise you to watch the (utterly bonkers) English dub version in order to make the film confidently stride into so-bad-it’s-good infamy. Corners are cut EVERYWHERE, there’s only about 5 speaking roles in the whole movie, Japan seems curiously deserted (was it shot exclusively at 3 in the morning or something?) and the stock footage is now so hopelessly outdated, the monsters destroy a city scape that is at least a decade out of date. Even outtakes are ruthlessly employed in an effort to scrape a 90 minutes runtime (there’s a few shots where the Godzilla suit is blatantly and accidentally on fire).

The climactic skirmish is goofy fun (with Godzilla employing a succession of physics defying long range dropkicks thanks to a black belt in wire-fu) but it’s all too dopey in the wrong kind of way. In fact the only way this movie graduated all the way to two stars is that it has bloody good potential to make a kickass, awful movie drinking game (it’s also been a victim of an episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000). So in the words of Jet Jaguar’s bewildering theme song “PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH!!!”.
Because you’ll fucking want to after watching this.

🌟🌟

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