The Gamera series, despite it’s many flaws, has always had the weirdest designs for it antagonists. Every single one is a truly bizarre, surrealistic nightmare given form by misshapen rubber suits and lugged around by punished, tortured suit performers for films that are, to put it kindly, silly at best.
Well, joining the ridiculous ranks of telepathic squids, and giant lizards with freeze rays in their tongues, comes Guiron: the craziest, barmiest, most mental Gamera Kaiju of them all.
But first, let us dive headlong into the raging dumpster fire that is the plot: buckle up, it’s gonna get weird.
A small gaggle of the usual kind of squawking kids these films cast spot a UFO landing via telescope so the next day they track down where it landed and immediately scramble on board and start jabbing at buttons, therefore instantly qualifying themselves as willing, idiot participants in the Darwin Awards.
When the craft inevitably takes off and soars away into uncharted space with the boys on board they are saved by a potentially fatal meteor shower by Gamera, who shows up because presumably he’s still not sick of earth children bellowing his own name at him at all hours.
Eventually the children land on a strange alien planet inhabited only by two alien women who want to eat the kid’s brains in order to gain their knowledge – although what knowledge these two dumb asses could possibly have that would be any use to two alien spinsters is beyond me.
Their deserted space city is guarded by hulking bruiser Guiron, a massive knife-headed kaiju psychopath who shoots shuriken from his nose and demonstrates his dominance in an eyebrow raising scene where he literally butchers the shit out of a cameoing Gayos (a bat-like previous Gamera foe).
While the boys and the easily bamboozled aliens chase each other around like some half assed episode of Scooby Doo, Gamera shows up on a rescue mission to save the boys. Can he repel such unrelenting craziness, will the boys get their brains eaten, does this film contain ANY sense of logic or normalcy?
Obviously scooped from the brain pan of the inmates of a Guatemalan prisoner of war camp where drug use and malaria go hand in hand to birth such godless creations, Gamera Vs. Guiron truly is a brain melting concept and should be treated as a national treasure. The filmmakers seem to be working overtime to cram in as much traumatizing imagery as they can to crawl inside the psyche of anyone watching it like a parade of fire ants; brain eating is bad enough but they go as far as to drug kids food and shave one of the their heads to do it. When one of the alien sisters is somehow gravely injured by a falling chair the other makes a huge point that their species is big on euthanasia and straight up shoots her to death. Gamera is stabbed IN THE FUCKING FACE by Guiron’s ninja stars during a fight and desperately rubs ice on his wounds to stop the bleeding and while all this nightmarish imagery is going on we keep cutting back to earth while the boy’s parents go mad wondering what’s happened to them while a little sister tries to convince everyone they’ve been taken to space. It’s like it’s trying to be a candy coloured, David Lynch-style, surrealistic horror movie for under 10’s and taken as such, it’s actually quite brilliant.
Of course to the casual film viewer this will all seem like one big bargain bucket of Kentucky Fried shit but if you have a taste for trash cinema this is pure gold of the weirdest order.
Honestly, tell me where else can you go to see a giant turtle twirl around a horizontal beam like an Olympic gold medalist in order to win a fight with a giant sentient Bowie knife?
It’s ok. I’ll wait.