Anyone familiar with The Jimmy Kimmel Show may very well know about his Celebrities Read Mean Tweets segment. I only bring this up because one time Gerard Butler read out some criticism that went something like this: “Does Gerard Bulter have a massive student loan or something, is that why he makes all these shit films?” to which he replied with his trademark Scottish smirk: “No, I don’t have any student loans. I just make shit films.”
Cue audience laughter.
But to be fair, these days Butler has made being in expensive looking trash somewhat of an art form. He smirked his way through the weapons-grade awful Gods Of Egypt by playing Set, the Egyptian God of death as if he was raised in Glasgow and he murdered his way through every terrorist hiding in the capital in London Has Fallen while spitting out some of the most dubious action movie quips in recent memory. “Get back to Fuckheadistan” being a baffling “highpoint”.
And yet a lot of the time his movies creep defiantly into the so bad it’s good category, each film littered with unintentional laughs and awful attempts at American accents and the predictably dopey Geostorm is no exception.
Now, at no point am I suggesting any of you should be paying actual money to see this film, but it does seem the perfect viewing for two-in-the-morning stoned types who’ve literally watched everything Netflix has to offer and need something to keep them going.
Directed by Dean Devlin (writer and producer of Independence Day and 1998’s Godzilla, so you’d think he should be a little better at this) and shelved for a couple of years with reshoots by Danny Cannon (the Stallone Judge Dredd Danny Cannon), Geostorm emerges as a predictably naff disaster movie where a futuristic space satellite that controls the weather is hijacked and must be stopped by the guy who invented it. Cut vast destruction on a global scale and a body count in the millions that neither you or anyone in the movie will seem to care about.
Butler, saddled with a gruff attitude, a disapproving daughter and a wildly stressed looking Jim Sturgess (acting so ridiculously tense it’s like he’s trying to portray Tom Cruise in a Saturday Night Live skit) is the inventor of this technological miracle despite being unable to cling to an american accent for longer than 5 consecutive words. Up into space he goes to flush out a saboteur while his brother, a presidential aide, tries to work things out on the ground with the help of his secret service girlfriend, a stoney faced Abbie Cornish. While these guys flounder around trying to solve this mystery, on earth all manner of shit is hitting the fan at hurricane speeds. A beach in Rio freezes solid, gas mains in China are superheated until they explode and the sun’s rays are focused in a giant fucking laserbeam that scorches Dubai (although I’m not exactly sure when giant fucking laserbeam was classed officially as weather).
As you’ve already guessed, this plays as just as much bollocks as this sounds, they take time to establish Butler and Sturgess’ wonky accents with throwaway lines of dialogue (born in England, raised in the States, apparently) but then follow up a “three years later” title card with Sturgess rocking exactly the same haircut as he did 3 years ago. Can’t a presidential aide afford to get his hair cut differently?
Utterly stupid and decidedly crap, Geostorm has is charms but they’re mostly unintentional.
If I had to pick weather to rate it?